OK - this is a sports blog but in honor of the comic's birthday today, here are some Steven Wright quotes to make you smile.
The eyes are the second thing to go. I forget the first ….
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "first let me see the sandwich."
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible – and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
My weight is perfect for my height – which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
The speed of time is one second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What another word for thesaurus?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or Buffalo wings taste like chicken?
If you're a fan of Woody Paige and the ESPN TV show Around the Horn, you'll know about the chalkboard in the top-left hand corner of his square on which he writes witty phrases. Here is a sampling of the jokes.
I reject your reality and substitute my own.
If I could talk I would tell you to stop writing on me!
In golf, you should wear 2 pairs of pants in case you get a hole in one.
Chalkboreds don't have spell check.
I stole the iPhone 5, but I never faced time.
I thought I made a mistake, but I was mistaken.
If speech is really free, then why do we have to pay for vowels?
Bad spellers of the world untie!
I would tell a joke about pizza, but that would be too cheesy.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up!
People live and learn. He just lives.
If brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your nose.
A few french fries (and toy) short of a Happy Meal
Make a mental note… oh, I see you're out of paper.
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 30 seconds.
Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
The only thing he brought to this show was his car.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Of all two hosts'' on this show, Tony is my 2nd favorite.
I heard that your brother was an only child.
He's so dense that light bends around him.
You're very smart. You have brains you've never used.
They say it's mind over matter. I say it doesn't matter.
A few chips short of a cookie
I need a life. Do you know where I can download one?
I'd humiliate you but I'm afraid you might like it.
My cat was hit by a car, and now she's down to six lives.
Don't spend all your money on a safe.
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day!
Go ahead and talk to me. My day was ruined anyway.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it.
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
Time is precious… waste it wisely!
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
There's an "I" in Paige for a reason.
I was reading a book about the history of glue, and it's sticking with me
I'm reading a book about Alexander Graham Bell. My ears keep ringing.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Beauty is a light switch away…
There are 3 kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.
Donuts: Is there anything they can't do?
The optimist sees the donut, the pessimist sees the hole.
Those who throw dirt only lose ground.
It's not my fault that I never learned to accept responsibility.
Don't go chasing waterfalls, because you might get wet.
Statistics show that people who have the most birthdays, live the longest.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
The road to success is always under construction
Broken pencils are pointless.
When chemists die, they barium.
I used to be a banker, but this I lost interest.
I used to respect my elders. Now I have none to respect.
Sure, let me drop everything and work on your problem!
Hi! I don't care. Thanks! Have a nice day.
Pain is weakness leaving the body.
All true wisdom is found on this board.
So far, this is the oldest I've ever been.
Baby "on board"
Never stand between a dog and a fire hydrant
Never eat a powdered doughnut when wearing a dark suit.
Chickens playing basketball…flagrant fowl.
Pithy comment goes here
You must be this tall to be a ATH champ.
I am even more handsome if you watch on mute.
Tony should give me a point for punctuation.!?
If Rome were built in a day, I would hire that contractor.
If you don't like what's being said, change the conversation
The only thing worse than not getting what you want, is someone else getting it.
It wasn't a lie, it was ineptitude with insufficient cover.
I can't believe Dancing With the Stars isn't returning my phone calls.
Why does election season last for 3 seasons?
Don't talk to me, I'm arguing.
Hug your local chalkboard
I'm not saying you're paranoid, but everyone knows you are.
This board is also an accurate topographical map of North Dakota
I pay no attention to the horn
I'm a ninja.
Warning: I do stupid things
You me bracket
Teiam player
I'm the next big thing!
Shut your mouth when you talk to me.
My imaginary friend thinks Tony has serious problems
When you're board with your budget, you run out of chalk.
I prefer Fat Tuesday over Super Tuesday
You're welcome chalkboard industry.
I like my steak tartare well done.
I don't just bring meat, I bring Kobe beef.
The early bird gets the worm. The early dog gets the bird.
A man is known by the company he avoids.
Efficiency is intelligent laziness.
Warning: mouth operates faster than brain.
Somedays you eat the bear, and sometimes the bear eats you.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
Medicine is the best medicine
An unemployed court jester is nobody's fool.
Now that I know all the answers, nobody ask me any questions.
What concert costs 45 cents?
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous"
Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?
Either you agree with me, or you're wrong.
I'm just the boy that tweeted "wolf"
If you don't believe me, I made it up.
Beggers can't be choosers, but they can win this show!
Stop here on mute
I can walk the walk and chalk the chalk.
I never liked a man I didn't meet.
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!
Our holiday fruitcakes have no expiration!
We do not accept returns, but we reject yours with a smile.
I barely survived yesterday. And it's today already!
Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.
Money may talk, but chocolate sings.
Warning If zombies chase us, I'm tripping you.
Do humpback whales recognize hump day?
Buckle Up! I'm about to show you geography
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Silence is golden, but duck tape is silver.
The best deals are the deals never made.
Dead owls don't give a hoot.
When it pours it rains
You can't judge a cover by its book.
The more you understand me, the crazier you get.
Never turn your back on a charging turtle.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
At the end of the day…I go to sleep.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Coffee just isn't my cup of tea.
The noblest of dogs is the hot dog; it feeds the hand that bites it.
Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
Excuse me while I change into something more formidable.
4 out of 5 voices in my head say "Go for it"
Does the noise in my head bother you?
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
I have a photographic memory that has never been developed.
A good sport has to lose it to prove it.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen ‘emall
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings, especially this one
My 2nd favorite color is bloodshot eyes
I just wish my mouth had a backspace key.
I've got what it takes, but nobody wants it.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
New game plan…cancel it
Here's an idea…uh…I forgot
I've only met four perfect people in my life and I didn't like any of them
Buses travel faster when you're outside running after them.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
I've got a problem for your solution
I'm as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent
"Be yourself" is the worst advice you can give Plaschke
The secret to looking young is watching this show everyday
My alarm clock doesn't ring. It applauds!
Panelists on this show who know the least always argue the most.
The best things in life are free, and so are the bad predictions on this show.
To get your kids attention, stand in front of the TV NOW!
No matter how late it is, it's never as late as it will be later on
Macho does not prove mucho.
For me, it would be very unusual to have a usual day
I'll give you a definite maybe
Errors have been made. He will be blamed.
Read this, or you'll be sorry. On the other hand you may be sorry, anyway.
A metaphor is a simile with attitude
I treasure every moment Plaschke is muted.
Failure has gone to his head
Bill you're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
Tim has an inferiority complex — and it's fully justified
A good rooster crows in any hen house
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now
I know so little, but I know it so fluently.
They gave me the key to the city, then they changed the locks.
The trouble with quotes on the Internet
I was not informed that the bird is the word
I'm confused. Oh wait, maybe I'm not.
I can't hear you over the sound of how epic I am.
Oh, look! Just 364,823 more days til I start caring what you think
I'm not good at empathy. Will you accept sarcasm?
Disinclined to play by the rules
I'd be a morning person if it didn't start so early in the day
Just pretend I'm not here. That's what I'm doing.
I'm like a super hero, but with no powers or motivation
Look up for inspiration, down for concentration, at me for information.
I didn't lose…I just ran out of wit
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame
Never at a loss for words. A coherent argument is another story.
I wear two watches so I will have more time on my hands
Violinists don't work; they just fiddle around
I didn't lose my mind; I sold it on ebay
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
The entire world's a stage; I didn't get cast!
What do sheep count when they want to fall asleep?
Mediocrity is my comfort zone
I wear the brains in the family
There's no future in time travel
Nothing improves my memory more than trying to forget
Gnihtyreve smees drawkcab
I'm feeling upside down today
The person who sees both sides of a question, sees nothing at all
Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument an exchange of information
The best argument is that which seems merely an explanation
I'm cooler than anyone not here
Of all the animals, Tony is the most unmanageable
Tony is either charming or tedious
As a matter of fact, the world does revolve around me
Being awesome has its disadvantages
Zombies want me for my brain
How do I block you in real life?
Just be glad I'm not your kid
I know karate and 2 other Japanese words
An expert farmer is outstanding in his field
If I agree with Cowlishaw we both must be wrong
Reali should be investigated for ATH point shaving
If a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie
Never mess up an apology with an excuse
I just got skylights put into my place. The people above me are furious.
The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are always from Earth
My two cents is worth a fortune in your currency
Here's some good advice: Never take my advice
Big words don't scare me; using them does
I use a stunt man for the tough questions
Kids adore me because I'm smarter than a 5th grader
Fishing is addictive. You can get hooked.
My failures are only exceeded by my mistakes
My crystal ball says the Ouija board is fake
How does non-stick coating stick to frying pans?
I have a lot of time on my hands when I wear two watches.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless
At my age, the happy hour is a nap
The older I get, the better I was.
A plateau is a high form of flattery
In case of emergency, speak in cliches.
Don't worry about gift suggestions for Plaschke. He gets a toupee.
Nothing lasts forever. Except a bad ATH.
Using a broken pencil is pointless.
If you put together "THE" and "IRS", it becomes "THEIRS"
To err is human, to arr is pirate
My whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
False hope is nicer than no hope at all
Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction
Broken guitar for sale. No strings attached.
If you can't be kind, at least be vague.
For people who long for peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
Being young is a flaw that diminishes daily.
Back bold and beautiful
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. I just gargle.
Why is an actor IN a movie, but ON TV?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
When a clock is hungry it goes back 4 seconds.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
Trust me, but verify my NCLS stats.
An NFL committee is a group doing the work of one.
To err is human, to blame it on Tony shows managerial potential.
I have a large seashell collection, which I keep on beaches all over the world.
When I put my ear to a conch shell, I hear ATH.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.
No matter what goes wrong, there's always someone who knew it would.
Beware the fury of the patient panelist.
Chalkboard shut down until Woody wins #335
Send complaints to: ath@espn.com
Closed until further notice
Live teddy bears are the best
I can handle pain until it hurts
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it
Life without bears would be unbearable
Hugs don't feel as good on the computer
Life is tough; get a helmet
In order to be somebody, you must first be yourself
No shirt no shoes bad service
Keep off the concrete
Keep out, or you will be let in
Producers must wash hands after ATH
Trespassers will be hugged
Beware of good dog
Please leave on your shoes
My mom thinks I'm at the library every day during this show
This space left intentionally blank
You can't fall off the floor
Just because it's a well-known fact doesn't mean it's true
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong
Sit back and enjoy the chaos
A well done medium is rare
The Internet is now closed. Please log off.
My best friends are imaginary
I've tested positive for genius
Donuts make the best bracelets
Woody is nothing without me
I'd be better off without this guy
I've tried all the early bird specials
I'll bet you a dollar you read this
I want to supply my own questions
The mute button violates the first amendment
Last night I dreamed I had insomnia
When alone, I'm the smartest person in the room
Please explain the scoring system again
Scary thought: I'm the smart one on this panel
I'll start listening when Cowlishaw stops talking
Authors always write me off
I demand my 10% senior point allowance
Reali should score on the curve
Back to life… back to Reali-ty
A corndog is a hotdog with a delicious sweater
Do rose gardners play around the thorn?
If I am here to help others, what exactly are the others here for?
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant
Even if the voices are not real, they have some good ideas
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Tell me what you believe, and I'll tell you where you're going wrong.
The truth is out there. So what are you doing here!
How do people with multiple personalities fill out their census papers?
A toast to bread, for without bread, there would be no toast
Now accepting coupons + compliments
My mind is closed for repairs
I put the "fun" in dysfunctional
If silence is a weapon, then I am defenseless!
When all is said and done, more is said than done
How did the "Keep off the grass" signs get there?
Due to lack of interest, today has been postponed
Doing this show is not really work, but it's still considered a job
Citywide speling bee champ
You'd be paranoid, too, if they were all out to get you
I think, therefore I am overqualified
It's bad luck to be superstitious
Don't you just hate rhetorical questions?
Don't rush me, I'm making mistakes as fast as I can
It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack
No electrons were harmed in the creation of this message
The facts, though interesting, are irrelevant
Before they invented ESPN, what was the purpose of sports bar?
Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesday?
Why are they called buildings when they're already built?
Why is the building at the airport called "terminal"?
Driveway: where you park; Parkway: Where you drive
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I'm planning to be more spontaneous in the future
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Mind like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 39 states
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you
Sometimes when I'm alone, I Google myself.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories (per hr)
The electric chair was invented by a dentist
No President of the United States was an only child
Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawal symptoms
EHT NOITAMROFNI TNEW ATAD YAW
LETNI EDISNI… LOOF SI EDISTUO
Pickle: Cucumber in trouble
Love means never winning at tennis
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted
Baldness is the cure for dandruff
Commentator: A talking spud
Don't act like you're not impressed
I am disappointment in your grammar
I have not yet begun to procrastinate
Debate: Babble instead of battle
Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter
Nylons give women a run for their money
Country music is three chords and the truth
Mermaid: A deep she fish
Information fee know charge
Relish today. Ketchup tomorrow.
My other car is a UFO
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence
I'm back by popular demand
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen
ESP-N programming for psychics
I used to be indecisive, but I'm not sure now
Fine print: A clause for suspicion
Hire a teenager now—while he still knows everything
Give blood—play hockey
hAS aNYONE sEEN mY cAPSLOCK kEY?
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional
All life's answers are on this show
Bottomless pit of needs and wants
My job is so secret - even I don't know what it is
Gasoline with carrot juice, you get beta mileage
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
Mess with me and you mess with the whole trailer park
When's ATH win leader day?
English kidney bank: Liverpool
Let Lombardi Gras begin
For lunch I had a Mark Cuban sandwich
Successful dieters might win the nobelly prize
Nature reserves are an eagle opportunity employer
Cross-eyed teachers can't control their pupils
Flying these days is a frisky business
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red
Acupuncture is a jab well done
A criminal's best asset is his lie ability
A hangover is the wrath of grapes
What you seize is what you get
Skipping school to bungee jump will get you suspended
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat
Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon
An eye for an eye leaves the world blind
Love can be a touchy feely subject
I didn't escape. I got a day pass. The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out
Sea captains don't like crew cuts
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
Gardeners always know the ground rules
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress
I'm not lost, I just don't know where I am
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking
2 types of people: those who finish what they start and ….
A word to the wise isn't important. Words to the stupid host matter.
Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much.
Rumors go in one ear and out of many mouths.
I don't need no educashun.
Criticizing is easy, watch me do it.
Not to care for philosophy is to be a true philosopher.
Never kick a man unless he's down.
Don't make me call out my flying monkeys.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I'm sorry. My fault. I forgot you were chump-change.
I wear the pants in the family, and the brains on this show.
Do not disturb. I'm disturbed enough already.
There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
No sense in being possimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
Life is not a box of chocolates. It's a bag of nuts.
Life in not a bowl of cherries. It's the pits.
Life is not a cabaret. It's a dive bar.
I'm not as dumb as you look Tony
It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen
I'm not a rocket surgeon
Abe Lincoln of ATH?
End of decade but not end of decadence
Resolution: No mutes in 2010
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Dear Santa, I can explain…
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobics
Fish and Christmas visitors smell in 3 days
Santa Claus has the right idea—visit people only once a year
An xmas shopper's complaint is one that's long-standing
Xmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money
Xmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you're home
One thing I can give and still keep: My word
I should keep my words soft and sweet in case I have to eat them
Two words: show cowdown
Patience is a virtue, it's a waste of time
Man who runs behind car is exhausted
Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee
Sports do not build character. They reveal it.
Be of use, but don't be used
Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment
A friend is someone who has the same enemies you have
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing
A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't take it
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
First take will always be cold pizza to me
Who's on first? No, who's the headliner?
If at first you don't succeed, go to 2nd base
Do players in D.C. play "Around the Zorn"?
Do Plaschke's friends play "Around the Forlorn"?
Do baby doctors play "Around the Born"?
Starring in movie remake of "Blackboard Jungle"
No comments:
Post a Comment