OK - this is a sports blog but in honor of the comic's birthday today, here are some
Steven Wright quotes to make you smile.
The eyes are the second thing to go. I forget the first ….
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "first let me see the sandwich."
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible – and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
My weight is perfect for my height – which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"